Faith

The plan was to sit here and say how important it is to have faith. But I can't do that just yet. There's a major problem here first, and that is that I'm not sure if we actually should have faith.

I was going to say that everyone needs to have faith in the world, God, fate, or whatever they want to call it. This is important because it allows us to live life with confidence and without anxiety. Any human who has ever stopped to think upon life would agree that life is much easier and better that way. It doesn't matter exactly what form of faith works for you, whether you just know things will work out, or whether you think you have to sin as little as possible so that God will allow things to do it. The latter doesn't work for me because I'm agnostic; I'm very skeptical about a lot of things. And as I was about to write this I realized I guess I should stop to think before I explain how I love the first view, because how can I be sure everything works out? After all I'm only 18, only a freshman in college who's single barely has a grand in the bank.

How can I be sure things will always work out, or at least always work out for good people, when things have not yet worked out for me. Well this may go against being agnostic, but I just know that it will. At first this will sound cocky, but I'm too good for things not to work out. I'm too smart, too loving, too caring, too unique, too hard working, too talented. And I know that even though I premised by saying it would sound cocky that it still sounded too cocky. However, that's how almost everyone should think because everybody out there has some great qualities that allow them to get through life successfully as long as they give a damn. And for those of you who know me, you know I give a damn about my life. Pretty common to one versed in philosophy is the statement that everyone has basic beliefs. And I believe that faith can be a basic belief.

I know that things will work out for me, but that doesn't mean I don't get impatient sometimes. But hey, I don't have much to complain about right now, do I?

Thank you. Keep faith. I'm here for you.

Fight

Sometimes things are worth fighting for even when the whole world tells you it isn't. Every person, every sign points to moving on because it's a lost cause. But deep down somewhere in your heart you know it's still worth it because it's the only thing you really want. You still have faith deep down somewhere in your heart, or at least enough faith to know to keep fighting. Fighting is the only option, no matter how much pain it causes daily. If the battle is won life will be forever good. So I fight, and always will, even though I hurt because of it every day.

Home?

I cannot wait until tomorrow when I get to go home. But at the same time, part of me knows that I will not return to college satisfied. I miss so many things about home. But there's a huge problem: "home" doesn't mean just my house and my family. Those things I know will be there for me. "Home" also means the way things used to be, the life that I had before I came to college. But when I go home most of the people I knew still won't even be back, and for many of those that I do see, it won't feel the same. I know I'm supposed to move on, stop thinking about the past, and focus on the present and the future. But when my past was so goddamn good it's hard not to spend at least part of everyday thinking about it and thinking about how I can get some of it back, because I know that some of the important parts I can get back, though not in exactly the same form. How? Well some work and a lot a lot of luck. But nonetheless, I still can't wait to get home, to feel loved by my family and hopefully by some others as well. I still can't wait for winter break and summer too, so I can get some of my old life back. But we gotta focus on the present right? Fine, I'll oblige, I'll try.

There's a song that's inside of my soul, it's the one that I've tried to write over and over again. Jon Foreman, that's how I feel right now. Hopefully the muses will let it out.

West Chester, Great Valley, Mom, Dad, Brian, pets, friends from home.... I'll begin seeing you all tomorrow, even though it'll only be for a quick breathe, I'll make sure it's a deep one.

Too Long

It has been way too long since I posted on here. I think it's because of the person I became for a while, a person who forgot who he really was. The fact that I'm here shows that I've remembered. And trust me, I will not ever forget again.
I'm a mathematics major, so I love math, and I always will. But I'm different than your typical math major, and I'm different than your typical football player. I have this odd heart inside of me, this odd heart that cares probably way too much for my own good. I have this odd heart that loves more than anything an intimate conversation between a small group of people, preferably just 2 people, about life and about the hardships within each heart. I have this odd heart that respects the words of Jon Foreman 100x times more than it respects the words of T.I. or Drake or whoever they are. I have this odd heart that loves to sing out in a bunch of different ways and it will be that way forever. And now, I'm not ever going to forget that I should let it sing out, and let it sing out to anyone who wants to listen.
My heart wants to talk to you, my heart wants to write on here, my heart wants to write songs, my heart wants to sing. Do you want to listen?

a school assignment

The assignment was to write a narrative that either showed that you agreed or disagreed with the statement that humans had the ability to overcome the darkest of circumstance.  Here’s what I wrote while trying to hold back tears for much of it:

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Steinbeck Assignment

Diagnosis Defeated

If there is a modern day disease to leave its mark in some way, shape, or form in every human heart and family, that disease is cancer. A lot of people will hope and pray they can go their whole lives and escape it; I once though that. But it got into my heart too the moment my dad informed me my mom had been diagnosed with cancer.

Suddenly tests, sports, and girls didn’t matter so much. The thought of a world without your own mother takes over. The prognosis was good, but still it was scary, and it became real as it sunk in. My mother fought and defeated this disease. Each family member fought it in their own way, but she fought it for real. She fought and beat the real disease. I fought by dealing with it and that was hard enough. That was hard enough that writing these words now bring tears to my eyes. It was dark circumstance indeed, but anything can be overcome in life if fought hard enough.

I fought with late night conversations with people who became legitimate friends. I fought with positive hope that some of those friends could not believe I had inside me. I fought even after she had defeated it at Relay for Life by talking to more friends and by watching my mom take the survivor walk. I fought for other’s battles with every cent I raised. I fought by running the track while everyone else walked. I know I can overcome anything.

My mom fought with chemotherapy and medicines. She fought with a toughness I didn’t know she had honestly. She fought it maintaining an outlook that always remained positive no matter what. Her hair is different and still remains some of the effects of chemotherapy, but she defeated her dark circumstance. Her trophy is every day of her life. Every moment spent with her husband and two kids, every smile on her face and every laugh. Her trophy was her survivor walk. Her trophy is being able to say, “I survived cancer. I beat it.”

It would be hard to find someone who disagreed with the statement that a cancer diagnosis is one of the darkest circumstances we have. My mom beat it.

Valentine’s Day

I can now say I’ve seen quite different sides of Valentine’s Day.  I’ve seen two versions of the bad and the only version of the very very good. 

The original bad was the never having had someone and never having been close to on this holiday.  During those Valentine’s Days my mind was filled with wishing I could, wishing there was just someone that would tell me they loved me that day and make me a hand made card and to go out to dinner with.  Those were the days that made me dislike this holiday.

Then there was an even worse bad: being close.  Having a relationship end in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day.  That made Valentine’s Day a day of “i was so damn close to what i wanted,” a day of we should be we could be.  Valentine’s Day seemed to be something that was just meant to make people sad.  And it made it worse to see the shows where everything worked out in the end for Amanda Bynes or whoever else.  That made me hate Valentine’s Day.

But now I am and always will be a fan of Valentine’s Day after yesterday and thanks to a love I know will last me to the next Valentine’s Day and the next and the next forever long.  I had a day of a dinner at Applebees, of special notes and presents like a very tasty cookie cake, of kisses and hugs, and of true I love you’s.  I shared this Valentine’s Day with someone who can make me happier than anything, someone I can’t live without, someone who I’m so thankful to have, someone who I’ve made powerful moments and powerful strength with, someone who I Love and will always Love. This Valentine’s Day I was happy.  So thank you Laura.

Knots

August 14th I woke up at about 6:45 for some reason still under the assumption i couldnt write songs. as i was eating breakfast the chorus of this song just started coming to me so i put away my food ran upstairs grabbed my guitar and had this done in less than an hour. I had tried to write songs before and it never worked, but a really special person has given me this ability and so i owe this to her. thank you.
I dont feel like writing the chords and i obviously can put the tune here but id be happy to play this for anyone who wants to hear it and I might try to record it on a video later. Please enjoy:)

Knots

Every moment we spend from each other
You feel those knots, I feel them too
They say it's normal and, it's how you know this is real

(chorus)
Fall Fall Fall
Like on a roller coaster ride we fall together
Fall Fall Fall
Yea together you and I we fall for each other
Yea we fall

And then you tell me, you said, you're fallin hard for me
And I was happy to say, I feel the same for you
And like I do, I start to think about you.
And I conclude

CHORUS

And so I conclude, yea those knots we feel, they feel like Fallin
So when they're gone, that when we know that we are done Fallin
And you might say, that you don't wanna stop
But I promise you, that you do

CHORUS

And so you ask, Why should i wanna stop Fallin
And the answer is so simple
When they're gone then we are,
In love