Finally Broke

Today is the first day of my high school career in which I have stayed home sick. The thing is I didn't throw up like I told everyone. I finally broke. I couldn't handle it and I needed a day off. I'm not proud, I'm actually very upset at losing perfection.
I guess the real reason I'm home is to finish up my shit loads of schoolwork that I failed to complete last night. This being my math project and the next milestone for my research paper. But I look at it deeper than that. Why could i not finish my work last night? I have been one of the greatest procrastinators in the world and yet one day i just give up? I preach fighting on and yet one day I stop?
I find the reason to be that for the first time my heart has a big enough hole to end some fight in me. She wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't take me back as her friend. It's all I could think about last night and it's why eventually I had to go tell my mom, "look I can't do this, can i stay home from school?" After she told me yes and we talked a little I went back to my room. This is where I imagine someone would give the fist pump after having gotten out of work for a day. But this is where I broke down and cried. Part of it was losing perfection. Yeah I guess perfect attendance isn't that important, but it was to me because it was something almost nobody else could do and it was something that was perfect. That's part of why the tears rolled down my face, but the other reason is her. Not only did I fuck up bad, but its not going to go away until I fix it. I have to fix something that seems impossible to fix at this point because otherwise my life is going to be shit for a while.
I hope this hole in my heart either gets filled or at least grows smaller because I have promised myself, my cancer-surviving-mom, and the world that this is my last time giving up. The one who preaches fighting will fight on forever and will help you to fight too.